My Soul is Dark



Lord Byron, English Poet

English poet, Lord Byron, wrote once, "My soul is dark." And indeed, Lord Byron's soul was often dark. It seems that his mind, heart, and indeed his soul, were eternally in turmoil. He was always flickering between profound joy and abject sorrow. Similarly, Vincent Van Gogh, who is now regarded as one of the greatest painters to have ever lived, once wrote that, "I put my heart and soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process."

Is creative expression a result of a turbulent soul, or is a turbulent soul a byproduct of creativity? It is a question I have often contemplated. Some of the most extraordinary and talented people I have ever known have been quite mad. I myself have been mad, and some would say I still am, though I don't really care.

I know what it is to have a dark soul. I possess one. How could my soul be otherwise after all that I have gone through in my life?

I have had my dark night of the heart when my soul was laid bare and I nearly died while wrestling with my own demons. The only hope I had then and the only hope I will ever have is found in the act of writing, for it is through writing that I am able to transform sorrow into beauty.

By giving my written words (which is the equivalent of giving my love) to one and all, I lay out the vain hope that perhaps something I write will help or inspire someone, that it will perhaps make someone feel less lonely, less dark.

When I read the poetry of Byron, when I listen to the symphonies of Beethoven, when I watch Natalie Portman break apart in Black Swan....I feel a deep sense of understanding and of being understood. And without such artistic expression and my ability to come into contact with it, I would surely lose my mind. Where would this world be without those who can make beauty from pain? I surely do not know.

Let's take a moment to appreciate the beauty of a soul that was so often saddened by a malady he had no control over, but whose very same dark soul created this:

She walks in Beauty by Lord Byron

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Mad Love

Love. It is the inspiration behind all great poetry and works of art. It is love which makes a woman's face beautiful and love which makes a child's eyes come alive when it beholds its mother. It is love which drives us to create symphonies and to stop dead in our tracks along a deserted road to photograph a lonesome yet achingly beautiful field of purple flowers. It is love which leads us to connect with others, to touch, hold and to worship another. Love can drive us mad, lead us to pain, create a longing that is unquenchable, and it can ultimately lead us to the Divine. 

Bhakti is the Hindu word for love. Hence, Bhakti-Yoga is one of the four yogic paths that we can take to find our way to the Divine. In yoga, the way of the Bhakta is the way of love and devotion to the practitioner's particular idea of God--whatever that notion may be or how we may define the great consciousness from which we came.

Love is the yogic path that makes most sense for me because it encompasses all that I hold precious and good in humanity. Love is the inspiration behind every single thing we do, whether the love is misguided or not, it is our heart's way of expressing our desire for the Divine. Love is the way to light the candle inside our own hearts to find beauty and truth in not only the next world but in this one, in the here and now.

Love can drive a man to pay thousands of dollars to see a woman dance nude. Love can create a whole world devoted to beauty. It can end pain. It can make all things new. And it can also drive us utterly insane, off our heads, mad as a hatter! But if it drives us mad for God, mad to do good, mad to inspire others, mad to change the world, then how could such a madness be wrong?

Swami Vivekananda, one of the wisest and most beautiful spiritual teachers to have ever lived, offered this anecdote to describe the kind of madness I am speaking of,

"No Bhakta cares for anything except love, except to love and to be loved. His unwordly love is like the tide rushing up the river; this lover goes up the river against the current. The world calls him mad. I know one whom the world used to call mad, and this was his answer: 'My friends, the whole world is a lunatic asylum. Some are mad after worldly love, some after name, some after fame, some after money, some after salvation and going to heaven. In this big lunatic asylum I am also mad. I am mad after God. You are mad; so am I. I think my madness is after all the best." (Bhakti-Yoga 111-112)

If it be madness that sets the heart on fire and makes one drink ever and ever at the fountain of love and beauty, then I shall drink on. I would rather nourish myself on that blissful sensation of fullness in love than anything else in this world. Wouldn't you?

Living in the Lightest Way Possible

Some years ago, Milan Kundera, a Czech writer of enormous talent, took up his pen to contemplate in The Unbearable Lightness of Being the notion of whether life should be viewed as "light" or "heavy." I have often wondered since reading that book long ago which was ultimately truest of our short lives here on earth. Are our lives heavy, weighted down by sorrow and distress? Or, are our lives and all our perceived difficulties merely manifestations of what we create in our own minds and therefore lighter than air?

For my part, I tend to see life as being light. We are but players in a large drama not entirely of our own invention. We are a reflection of something higher but our access to the dimension from which we came is limited. Hence, I understand why the Buddha's philosophy of living in each moment fully and finding joy in our very temporary natures is so beautiful.

The more my life goes on, the more I understand that finding our freedom and our lightness are the keys to finding joy and lasting peace. With the practice of Bhakti Yoga, I have found such a method of taking life itself far less seriously and of applying a light touch to all that I encounter.

Bhakti yoga is the yoga of devotion and love. In the spirit of Bhakti practice, I devote my heart to the things which cannot be made heavy by all the sorrows and stresses of this world. The world of love within my own heart is large enough to convert all my weighty concerns into light gossamer.

When the world seems too much for us, we need to pause and go deep within to find the calm waters of our minds where by refusing to allow the clamor of the world to take up space, we open ourself to true bliss and freedom.

The world is too much with us

by William Wordsworth

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
This Sea that bares her bosom to the moon,
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers,
For this, for everything, we are out of tune;
It moves us not.--Great God! I'd rather be
A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn;
So might I, standing on this pleasant lea,
Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn;
Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea;
Or hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn.